Assisting speakers at a Funeral
Speaking at a funeral can be a very difficult task. Most people are lucky if they get a coherent set of words together. During discussions with the family one of the main roles is to identify who will be speaking during the funeral ceremony. There are many options about who does what. Many families already have a person in mind who will speak, however some families either have no-one who wants to be involved, or they do not have the skills to put something together. Many times the celebrant is required to write speeches for the family.
10 tips on speaking at a funeral
1. Concentrate on seeing this as speaking on their behalf. This is not about you or your nerves this is about speaking on behalf of your loved one.
2. Write the speech straight from the heart. Write what they want you to say and write it as if you were speaking about it. Don’t over edit it, just let the words flow.
3. Print out in VERY BIG PRINT...sounds silly but if you have tears in your eyes, or your hands start to shake…then it is easier to read.
4. When you first stand up…focus on a friend who you know would smile and comfort you…almost spoke the words to them
5. Understand that this is emotional and that each person listening would know how hard it is for you to speak.
6. Ask someone to take over if you did fail – have a back up plan just in case.
7. Speak slowly …and take 3-4 large breaths before you stand up.
8. Don’t make the speech too long….and also celebrate the life as well as acknowledging the loss.
9 . Allow some humour - it will get your through.
10. Practise speaking out loud many times the night before…that way you almost know it by heart.
The key is knowing that for once in your life, each person in the audience is on your side, empathetic, expecting you to be emotional…
Once the other speakers are identified we need to ensure we know what will be said and determine the best place in the ceremony for them to deliver. The more people involved, the more difficult it gets to blend the ceremony and get it to flow well. Always know who will speak and know what they will say. You can then introduce them by saying how they are connected to the deceased, and introduce what they will talk about.
The length of the funeral is often pre-determined so you need to check this with the funeral director if there is a time restriction.
When someone close to us dies, often the last thing we can imagine doing is summoning up the courage and self-control to speak at their funeral. The death of a loved-one brings grief, fear, and shock, among other things. Even if the death wasn’t a surprise, the pain often robs us of our ability to think, let alone speak clearly. Our emotional reactions may be expected, but often the physical reactions surprise us. Yet, if we are able, speaking at a funeral can be a privilege and a way to say good-bye and for some it will begin the process of accepting the person’s death. It can also be a way of letting the world know how important the person was to you.
Many people will need assistance on the day so meet up with them early and go through a few tips. Show them the place that they will be speaking from and how to place their notes. Ensure there is water and tissues close by. Tell them that you will rescue them but only if they ask to be rescued. Too many people jump up to help when all the speaker needs is a little time. So make a plan about how they will signal you if they need assistance. It might simply be that they look directly at you. Others may come forward with someone else to lighten the load. Please be sure to give them time if they get upset – time to re-group and start again. If their grief overwhelms them then I would always suggest you assist. There is nothing worse than watching someone crumble under grief without anyone supporting them – but often there is a fine line. With experience you will learn to judge the timing of this.
Managing the speakers on the day
The celebrant can make life a little easier for speakers by ensuring they are familiar with their surroundings on the day. Then there is the task of making them feel as comfortable as possible. This can be done by speaking to them at the family meeting or at least over the phone. Make sure you have a printed copy of what they intend on saying. Their speech/reading should have been emailed to you at least the day before. You should have this included in your ceremony wording so you can follow it as they speak.
Rescuing a speaker
Sometimes, a speaker struggles to deliver the material they’ve written. Participation is extremely important, so don’t be too hasty to rescue them. Where possible, have the speaker send a copy of their speech to you via email. Print this and have it on hand.
· Meet the speaker before the service
· Show the speaker the lectern and the location of tissues and water
· Suggest that they have a support person stand with them if they choose, who may take over if required.
Alternatively, you may assist by taking over.
Explain that:
· You won’t intervene unless they request it.
· Should they need rescuing, ask the speaker to look at you directly.
· You will move to the speaker’s side and place your hand on their shoulder as support.
If the speaker cannot continue, keep them beside you as you read their script.